


i hope you don't mind

by delta_trevino



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Diary/Journal, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Language of Flowers, Let me break your hearts, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:28:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26131915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delta_trevino/pseuds/delta_trevino
Summary: October 15, 2012Bokuto-san.It started slow, like a certain familiarity that I knew was going to draw me in, and it has. It did. Now I’m in a slow orbit around you, burning and bright. I hope you don’t mind.Sincerely,Akaashi and his heartOr, Bokuto reads a diary Akaashi wrote for him on the subway.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou (minor)
Comments: 21
Kudos: 71





	i hope you don't mind

**Author's Note:**

> scales of intensity:
> 
> angst: 8.5/10  
> fluff: 8.5/10  
> lemon/lime: 1.5/10 (mention)
> 
> enjoy!
> 
> PLS READ! if you'd like all the tw's and warnings please go to the bottom notes, and then you can decide if you'd still like to read it. also, tags. thank you.

Bokuto swung his legs back and forth on the subway, cold in the winter air. He was bundled up in his Fukurodani jacket, Akaashi’s red hat, and blue jeans. Nothing fancy, and he briefly wondered if he should’ve dressed up a little. But he was really eager to see Akaashi, after all, it was their two-year anniversary. 

The verbena flowers on his lap shifted at each stop and start of the subway. Purple and vibrant, Bokuto knew Akaashi would love them. The small flowers were connected to each other and then stemmed into one. Adorable, and delicate, they required an incredible amount of sun and Bokuto had almost killed them about a dozen times. 

Smiling into his lap, Bokuto breathed out clouds of smoke and absentmindedly ran a thumb over the cover of the leather book he was holding. Akaashi had given it to him about two months ago, filled to the brim with little notes. It was a diary Akaashi had kept about Bokuto, along with dozens of notes and ideas and small things he wanted to do in the future.

Bokuto opened the first page of Akaashi’s diary. Neat, familiar writing greeted him. Oval o’s and long l’s and t’s. Some entries were light and hurried, others were dark and full of intent. He grinned. 

_The Story of Akaashi Keiji’s Heart_

The inside cover was simple, a few words. Done in decisive pencil, Bokuto ran his fingers over the words gently. 

_October 15, 2012_

_Bokuto-san. I thought about starting this a long time ago, actually, on the first day that I saw you. Spiking in the gym. I knew you’d get this. But I’m finally starting one today._

_I’m not very good at speaking. But I’m almost fluent in writing. It’s much easier for me. I think because some feelings can’t be described out loud. Words aren’t adequate for them, so I turn to writing, and metaphors and ideas. Some of them may be confusing, but just appreciate them, Bokuto-san, or ask me what they mean._

_If you haven’t guessed, I like you. Just a little._

_It started slow, like a certain familiarity that I knew was going to draw me in, and it has. It did. Now I’m in a slow orbit around you, burning and bright. I hope you don’t mind._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his heart_

Bokuto felt that little, constant thrill at “I like you.” He smiled reverently at the words and flipped the page. His fingers slipped once at the cold, but he managed to steady them, cooling slipping over the worn lines of ink.

_October 18, 2012_

_Bokuto-san. You need to polish your cross-shots for the qualifiers._

_Today you bought me green tea, the type with jellies and no sugar. Even though you said you didn’t get it, you forced me to take your money for the vending machine. It was highly unnecessary and highly endearing._

_Thank you. I’ll pay you back._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his heart_

He had. Akaashi had paid him back three times and then one time back over, insisting it was no big deal. And he still kept giving. 

_October 26, 2012_

_Bokuto-san._

_Thank you for your presence on the court. It really keeps everyone on our toes, but we need it. Konoha and Komi will never say it, but practice would be boring without you and all our plays would fail. It’s comforting._

_Let me walk you home tomorrow. You’re always walking me home, “to be a good senpai!” or “to make sure I don’t get kidnapped.” You could get kidnapped. I should be a good kohai. Let me walk you home tomorrow._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his heart_

Bokuto smiled. He rarely let Akaashi walk him home, he always needed to make sure the setter got home safely. A kidnapping would be bad. He shuddered at the thought. 

_November 2, 2012_

_Bokuto-san. Kuroo-san is extremely loud. And quite flirty, even though he has Kenma-san. De_ _aling with you two is a full-time job. I expect payment. Preferably in cash, possibly in green tea._

_The practice match was good, really good. Our plays went well. Future Bokuto-san, don’t forget the hand signals need to be shown away from the opposite court. Kuroo-san figures it out if you’re waving it around like a beacon. I really don’t know how._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his heart_

Kuroo had been extremely loud that day, riling up Komi and Lev so much Kenma had actually walked out. Akaashi had gone to fetch the setter, annoyed. 

The notes were short and sweet, little commentary about Bokuto, Akaashi and the team as a whole. Detailing their wins and losses during the Interhigh, how they had shared an umbrella going back under the rain and bought a cake to half celebrate and half sulk. Akaashi marked the small things, in the witty, sarcastic way of his. 

Somewhere in there, Bokuto remembered liking Akaashi. It was a blur of moments whenever he tried to pin down the exact moment he had realized he wanted something more than a platonic relationship with Akaashi, but Christmas eve day was a convincing one. 

_December 24, 2012_

_Bokuto-san. You need to stop smiling so brightly. It’s quite distracting, quite annoying and it makes me feel like I’m under the sun._

_I write this knowing I don’t mean it. Don’t ever stop smiling. The sun shines forever, doesn’t it? So smile. Smile every time you see me, so I can selfishly bask in your sun too._

_It’s Christmas tomorrow. A day for lovers, and chicken. Mostly lovers. So, I’ll probably spend the day with you in my thoughts in between awful calculus and cooking with my family. I hope you don’t mind._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his heart_

Bokuto grinned, glancing at the keychain on his bag. Little owls he had picked out for the setter as a Christmas present and given to him one day early. He remembered Akaashi holding it so preciously, eyes sparkling and lips pressed together as he studied it. Bokuto had fastened it to Akaashi’s school bag, now matching his.

_December 25, 2012_

_Bokuto-san. Be careful with yourself. If you keep this up, you may end up with someone liking you a little too much._

_Thank you for the keychain yesterday. And today. Thank you for forcing me to go skating with you, and Kuroo-san and Kenma-san. Thank you for holding my hands as we went around, and thank you for buying me hot chocolate after. Thank you for slipping in the snow and falling into a snow angel, thank you for walking me home and for hugging me so ferociously I thought my heart would pop out of my chest. Thank you for spending the day with me._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his heart_

Bokuto felt butterflies go through his stomach at the memory. Kuroo had suggested ice skating, the genius dumbass he was, so Bokuto and Akaashi could hold hands. It had worked, except Bokuto had been a little too nervous and too shaky. He’d fallen a lot, but Akaashi laughed more than a few times so it was worth it.

_January 1, 2013_

_Bokuto-san. You were not careful._

_Kissing someone on the forehead is not careful._

_It is the opposite. It’s putting lava in a waterfall, or dropping a stone into a pool of cement and feelings and everything you can imagine._

_But maybe it’s okay not to be careful sometimes._

_Happy New Year._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his heart_

Bokuto remembered pulling Akaashi into the kitchen for a second, saying he was sorry and it was very important and if Akaashi didn’t help he might die. Akaashi, thinking he had broken a plate or cracked a glass reluctantly followed, sighing. Nothing of the such. Bokuto just stalled him for a minute, and then when the ball dropped at midnight he had pulled Akaashi in for a forehead kiss. Call him a coward, sure. But Bokuto hadn’t wanted to be too eager, or too loud, or too much, as he sometimes was with things all the time. Akaashi was unmeasurably more important. Bokuto didn’t want things to break. He wanted to treasure Akaashi just as much as he wanted to kiss him. 

_January 2, 2013_

_Bokuto-san. You need to remember your hat. Wear the red one, okay? The one I gave you today. You’ll get sick otherwise. Also, it matches you. It’s bright._

_The shrine was nice today. I got Great Luck, which I hope applies to the team. That would be fortunate. Don’t take your Bad Luck so seriously, it’s only a tradition people do every year. I’m sure since you properly disposed of it you’ll be fine._

_I wished for your happiness. For you to smile. Good things for us in the future. I hope you don’t mind._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his heart._

Bokuto had let out such a wretched cry at his fortune Akaashi had freaked out, the ever-steady rock he was. After wailing and throwing himself at Akaashi, Bokuto had learned you could “dispose” of the Bad Luck paper in a box and if done right, would get rid of the Bad Luck instead. Akaashi had patiently ran through it with him, Bokuto way too eager to get it off his hands.

The red hat still sat on his head. Of course it was, since Akaashi had told him too. He always smiled when Bokuto had the hat on him, praising him and fitting it snugly to his ears. 

_January 19, 2013_

_Bokuto-san. This will be short, since you’re right there. We got snowed into_ _my house. It’s so rare but with five feet of snow from yesterday, it’s understandable._

_You look so peaceful when you’re sleeping. Kind of like an angel. But with invisible wings, wings from his soul instead of the typical ones._

_You wanted to make a blanket fort before you had fallen asleep in the middle of avengers. Let’s do it. Even though it’s nearly one._

_It is weird I feel reckless around you? Weirdly dauntless? Like I’m in a spotlight, but I don’t particularly mind it._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his heart_

Bokuto had woken up to a light kiss on his knuckles. But when he finally really opened his eyes, Akaashi had been gathering blankets for a fort. They’d gotten started on the fort after Bokuto had lunged at Akaashi about a million times to smother him with pillows and make him laugh. Assault him with small blankets and big comforters they had dragged from Akaashi’s closet. Akaashi was ticklish, his face screwing up into an ecstatic expression as he laughed. 

The fort was made of chairs supporting sheets, full of pillows and lights off. Just them, in a fort where time was irrelevant. In sweatpants they ate precariously balanced popcorn and joked through the rest of the avengers. Akaashi had fallen asleep under a blue, fuzzy blanket halfway through, looking so peaceful when he slept, younger almost. Sweeter, less stressed. 

Bokuto had closed the laptop, shuffling a little too much and made Akaashi wake up. Alarmed, Bokuto had apologized and flustered, offered to carry him to his bed or something. Sighing, Akaashi had buried himself deeper in the blankets and shook his head. He’d grabbed Bokuto lightly and pulled him down, folding them together sleepily. 

“Are we cuddling, kaashi?” Bokuto had whispered. Yes. Yes, they were. 

“If you’re quiet, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi had mumbled against a pillow. 

“Okay. Goodnight Kaashi.” Bokuto had said, treasuring everything about this and watching Akaashi’s eyes flutter open once. 

“Night.” Bokuto had smiled just a little, bringing Akaashi’s knuckles to his mouth and kissing them once. Akaashi had the prettiest hands, setter hands, long and nimble, good at all they did. Despite the setter’s eyes being closed, his breathing turned shallow and his cheeks flushed. Not just his hands were pretty, all of him was. 

_January 20, 2013_

_Bokuto-san. I’m in love with you._

_It’s a little overwhelming._

_That’s all._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his heart_

Bokuto smiled outright on the subway at this entry. It was one of his favourites. So simple, and so easy to understand. Akaashi Keiji loved him. Akaashi Keiji was in love with him. 

Of course, the next few were also amazing. Bokuto asking him out, right before he left Akaashi’s apartment and stumbling over his words. Their first official date, a walk in a park and going to this small cafe Akaashi loved. It was small, with a rustic piano and filled to the top with plants. And many dates after. Their team practices, walks home that turned into hour-long meanders around parks, calls that made him use up his phone plan. Bokuto loved the lines Akaashi wrote, the metaphors or poetry he always struggled to understand. He traced his fingers over his favourite lines. 

_Cherry blossoms were blooming today. Tiny jewels, not rubies. Maybe silver, maybe gold._

_The moon is rightfully jealous of you, Bokuto-san._

_Kuroo-san and Kenma-san are quiet loudness._

_Verbenas symbolize romance. How a flower could encapsulate all of this vast feeling, I don’t know. They’re my favourite now, somehow._

_Would it be wrong if I said my arms feel empty without you?_

_Kiss me again. Again, and again, and again._

_I know I said to wear the red hat but you didn’t have to go so crazy after you lost it for a minute._

_Calling you everything would still be inadequate._

_Cross shots, Bokuto-san. Cross shots are different than line shots. You can do them both. Don’t forget that in college._

_It’s weird, I don’t hate when people make fun of your love bites on my neck. It’s nice, having something of you with me. Knowing you love me as much as I love you._

_Take me everywhere. Anywhere. With you. Even doing absolutely nothing with you is such a grand adventure._

_You’re incredibly stupid. Of course you need the oven to be on to cook brownies. Yeast does not do that. And you don’t need yeast in brownies._

_Everything hurts. My wrists. My legs. But the good type. Do it again._

_You look like fire in my sweater._

_Verbenas need lots of sun. Like me to you. They don’t grow in Japan but I wish they did._

_Bokuto-san. Thank you for letting me fall in love with you and loving me back._

Somewhere in between the detailing words, they had competed in the Spring Interhigh, graduated, Bokuto had gone to upper Tokyo for college. Nothing too far, but he could only see Akaashi on weekends. It was awful, he spent lots of time complaining to Kuroo, his roommate, who was also complaining because he couldn’t see Kenma. As if on cue, his phone went off with a text. Kuroo. 

Brooo: Kitten and I are on our way. We’ll see you there.

Bokuto: Okay. Akaashi will be happy to see you!

Brooo: He better be. It’s so cold. 

Bokuto shook his head. Kuroo complained every time, but he always came. He was a good wingman. Bokuto continued to read, a handful of subway stops before where he had to get off.

_February 20, 2015_

_Bokuto-san. Marry me. One day._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his heart._

That entry was everything. Bokuto remembered that day. A few days after Valentine’s day, cooking chocolates with caramel. It had gone incredibly sideways, some turning out too burnt and some too mushy. Akaashi had worked through the first one, a background of Christmas music and creaking floors behind them. Bokuto didn’t really have standards, eating a handful before Akaashi had stopped him. Supplementing the chocolate with something else sweet, kisses. 

_February 21, 2015_

_Bokuto-san. I’m serious. Marry me one day so we can grow old together. I can’t imagine anything else._

_That’s all. That simple. Please and thank you._

_Perhaps this is naive, to commit to something when we’ve only been together for about a year but I’m sure. I’m so sure._

_It would honestly be a waste to spend my life with anyone else. Just wrong._

_Don’t forget to wear your red hat tomorrow. It’s going to be record-breakingly cold._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his heart_

The pages were about three-quarters of the way filled up now, Akaashi’s entries sporadic now. Some days he wrote essays, and others were less than a sentence. Just a word or two. Now they were at the same college, and barely a day went by when they didn’t see each other. In between periods, or for lunch, or to build blanket forts after kicking Kuroo out of Bokuto’s apartment. Kenma never minded, and Akaashi had theorized Kenma actually liked Kuroo coming over out of the blue. 

_May 3, 2015_

_Bokuto-san._

_Kissing you is still a novelty. It won’t ever get old._

_I won’t be writing as much in here, since I’m trying to tell you everything in person. Face to face, so you can hear it from me._

_It’s hard to break any bad news to you, you always look so sad. Like a puppy. But thank you for your tears, my mom says you’re a very nice boy and we’re looking into solutions promptly. You needn’t worry._

_I love you, just as much as the universe can exist._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his heart_

Bokuto had cried more at home, but Akaashi had laughed at him and said all was okay. They had gone for a walk, kissing way too much to be in public and laughed a little too loud. 

The notes were shorter after that, quick facts or recounts of their days. Bokuto had spent a criminal amount of time with Akaashi, doing everything and nothing. But he’d never known about the book, full of Akaashi’s loopy writing. Small things Akaashi put in as reminders to Bokuto, or ideas he thought Bokuto would like. Daifuku with raspberry, rollerblading one day, a particularly epic prank to pull on Kuroo for revenge. Notes on his courses, small things that reminded him of Bokuto, any flowers that vaguely resembled verbenas.

_October 18, 2015_

_Bokuto-san. It’s been two years since I started this. Crazy._

_I feel like trumpets should go off or something. Two years since I really admitted I liked you. It was hard to write it. That I, Akaashi Keji liked Bokuto Koutarou. Now it’s second nature, but I remember my hands shaking._

_It was a hunch back then, that you would be important. I’m glad I listened, because that could not have been more right. You’re still at the center of my orbit, and I can’t see that changing anytime in the near future._

_I went to watch your college game in disguise. Don’t be mad. I wanted to see it. You were energetic and powerful as usual and look at you. All grown up, knowing how to do cross shots and line shots. I’m kidding, also your cross shot in the second set was impressively clean. I’m proud I got to set for you._

_Your smile is still so bright. Don’t let it go out._

_I love you._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his heart_

Bokuto wished he remembered the cross-shot. He didn’t, although he remembered Akaashi being extra tired that day, and smiling secretly like he had something up his sleeve. Even the bribe of kisses didn’t get him to give it up. Now he knew Akaashi had snuck to his game, which had been undoubtedly detrimental to his health and against all the regulations.

_October 30, 2015_

_Bokuto-san._

_I love you._

_Forever and ever._

_Like the sun to the moon._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his heart._

That day. The two weeks’ notice. Bokuto had cried until he couldn’t see and couldn’t hear. Akaashi had held him, although he was supposed to be the other way around.

_October 31_

_Bokuto-san._

_I love you._

_Forever and ever._

_Like the waves to the shore._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his heart._

_November 1_

_Bokuto-san._

_I love you._

_Forever and ever._

_Like I’ll die if I don’t._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his heart._

_November 2_

_Bokuto-san._

_I love you._

_Forever and ever._

_Like you’re everything because you really are. You really are._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his heart._

_November 3_

_Bokuto-san._

_I love you._

_Forever and ever._

_Like you love me._

_Like us._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his slightly crazy heart._

Bokuto choked on the subway. A passerby gave him a concerned look. Waving at him in acknowledgement, Bokuto noticed he was approaching his subway stop. Closing Akaashi’s diary dutifully, Bokuto stood up, holding the verbenas. He adjusted Akaashi’s red hat, smiled once and stepped out of the car when it stopped. 

He let his feet guide him, thinking of the next two entries in the diary. Messy, increasingly scratchy and shaky. There were only three more, but Bokuto wanted to read the last one in front of Akaashi. He had read the diary so much he knew the next two entries by heart. Actually, he’d be lying if he didn’t admit he knew most of it by heart. 

_November 14, 2015_

_Bokuto-san. Life is a curious thing, and so is love._

_Sorry I’ve been so busy. Sleeping takes a lot of time, and so does having even just a little energy to write. I guess I could ask someone to scribe, but I’d rather not._

_Thank you for coming to visit me. You’re amazing, but seem so out of place here. It’s too dismal for you and your bright smile._

_It’s curious I can love you this much. It’s impossible to fathom enough ocean or for enough sunsets to be swelling with my love, because those end, and this does not. Real, true love never has a happy ending, or a happy ever after, because it just does not end. It does not._

_It’s curious, really, how much I can feel for you, and how much I’ll feel for you, on and on and on. How utterly curious._

_See, I can’t call my heart broken, or dysfunctional, or sick, because it’s still so in love with you. And that’s right. That will always be right._

_I’m so in love with you Bokuto-san. I hope you don’t mind._

_Sincerely,_

_Akaashi and his perhaps a little dysfunctional heart, who loves you to the moon and back and there again._

Bokuto never, ever minded. Akaashi had a habit of asking if he minded, saying he hoped Bokuto didn’t mind, and by god, he never minded. How could he? Bokuto had never, ever, minded and never would.

_November 15, 2015_

_Koutarou._

_I always thought in the event you get this, I would assume we’re old and married and in love. I was sure you wouldn’t just find this, so if you were seeing this, I would be really happy._

_And I’m happy. I really am._

_Thank you for making me so happy. Thank you for making my heart so happy. Thank you for everything, and I’m sorry I cut it so short. Forgive me._

_I wish I could just snatch my life force and shove it into words but I can’t. I’m a writer and I can’t use words very well. Because, maybe, in the end, words are still inadequate. I can say I love you a million times and that would still not be enough._

_But I will. Imagine I’m saying I love you a million times._

_Every day, every minute, every second. I love you, I love you, I love you._

_I will love you until there is nothing left. Until we are all back in the void of creation, and until the only proof I ever lived was that I was in love with you. I don’t want a legacy, or a funeral, or anything really. I want you to know I love you, and my cancer-ridden heart loves you too, and it will never, ever stop. Just because it can’t beat, or I can’t say it, or I can’t kiss you doesn’t make my love any less there. It’s still there for your bright smile, and I don’t think it will ever stop. It just can’t, because the universe says so._

_I hope you don’t mind. Even if you do, you don’t have a choice._

_See, the story of my heart, if I could put a title, it’s us. It’s about us, about me and you, about everything we’ve done and didn’t do. The story of my heart is yours too._

_I’m so, so in love with you._

_Thank you. Thank you. Thank you._

_Sincerely,_

_Keiji and his heart that’s yours._

Akaashi had given him the diary with a gentle smile, dark circles under his eyes and trembling fingers. Bokuto remembered kissing his forehead, squeezing his hand and nodding when Akaashi told him to open it in a day or two before falling into sleep again.

Now, Bokuto’s feet kicked gravel as he walked past the others. He turned left, and then right, left again. Even though it was cold, it was sunny. He had made sure to get a spot that was sunny, so the verbenas could live for as long as possible. 

It was peaceful, the type of calm after a storm. Bokuto breathed in once, his head tilted towards the sky. And his tears fell towards the ground, watering the flowers and his sorrows. 

Kuroo would be here soon with his Kenma, but right now it was just Akaashi and Bokuto. 

Bokuto was wearing the red hat. Bokuto knew the differences between cross-shots and line shots. Bokuto could dispose of Bad Luck, and ice skate like a pro on ice or make excellent but empty blanket forts. Bokuto liked green tea now, and poetry. Bokuto knew what metaphors were, how to use them, why they existed. They existed for Akaashi Keiji. The world was for Akaashi Keji. 

Bokuto coughed once, opening the diary to the last page, the back cover. A few words, and a dot of blood. 

_Kou, love. Smile._

So Bokuto did, the brightest he could, with as much love as he could, as he held out the verbenas to Akaashi’s gravestone.

“Hi Keiji. Happy two years.”

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: major character death  
> tw: death, mention of cancer
> 
> \---
> 
> this whole story was inspired by the word curious. "it's curious i can love you this much", that paragraph. 
> 
> yes bokuaka is my comfort pairing. i'm not sure why i end with so much angst and sad endings with them, perhaps because i think falling apart together is another type of beautiful, just as is being so in love with someone. mash them together and yeah you got this.
> 
> props to my sister for beta reading this!
> 
> hey. you. have a good day. 
> 
> love you :)


End file.
